Let’s talk about relationships.
Not the dramatic, draining, “can-you-believe-what-he-did?” kind. And not the comfortable, cozy, but kinda-stagnant kind either.
Let’s talk about the other kind. The rare kind.
The kind where you feel like you’re constantly becoming a better version of yourself. Where your partner’s success feels like your success. Where challenges don’t break you; they become inside jokes and stories of resilience you’ll tell for years. Where you look at each other and think, “Man, we’ve grown so much together.”
This is what I call an Elevating Relationship. It’s not just about support; it’s about mutual propulsion. It’s a partnership that acts as a catalyst for both of you to level up in life, in your goals, and in your character.
And the best part? This isn’t about finding some mythical, perfect soulmate. It’s about building this dynamic, brick by brick, with a willing partner. It works for romantic relationships, deep friendships, and even powerful business partnerships.
This is your no-nonsense, down-to-earth guide to creating that. So, grab a coffee, get comfortable, and let’s dive into how you can build a relationship that doesn’t just make you happy, but makes you better.
Part 1: The Foundation: Becoming a Person Who Can Elevate and Be Elevated
You can’t build a skyscraper on sand. Before we even get into the “we” stuff, we have to look at the “me” stuff. The most important part of an elevating relationship is showing up as a whole, secure person.
1. Know Thyself (The Unskippable First Step)
You can’t communicate your needs if you don’t know what they are. You can’t pursue your passions if you don’t know what they are. You can’t set boundaries if you don’t know where your lines are.
How to do it, for real:
- Get curious about your triggers. When do you get disproportionately angry or sad? It’s usually not about the dirty dishes left in the sink; it’s about feeling disrespected or unheard. Trace the emotion back to its root.
- Identify your core values. What are the 3-5 non-negotiable principles that guide your life? Is it honesty? Adventure? Security? Compassion? When your life aligns with your values, you feel fulfilled. When it doesn’t, you feel off. Knowing this helps you choose a partner and a life that fits.
- Understand your attachment style. A little bit of psychology goes a long way. A quick online quiz can tell you if you’re secure, anxious, or avoidant in relationships. This isn’t to label yourself forever, but to understand why you might act the way you do when you feel vulnerable. It’s a game-changer for self-awareness.
2. Heal Thy Stuff (Or At Least Be Working On It)
We all have baggage. The goal isn’t to arrive at a relationship perfectly healed—that’s impossible. The goal is to be actively unpacking your own bags instead of demanding your partner carry them for you.
What this looks like in practice:
You don’t expect your partner to “complete you.” You are already a whole person. You don’t rely on them as your only source of happiness, validation, or therapy. You have your own friends, your own hobbies, and you take responsibility for your own emotional well-being. This takes the immense pressure off the relationship and allows it to be a source of joy, not a life-support system.
3. Have a Life Outside the Relationship
This is possibly the sexiest, most attractive thing you can do. Nothing is less elevating than two people who have merged into one boring, codependent blob.
Cultivate your own:
- Passions: What makes you light up? Rock climbing, painting, learning Italian, volunteering at an animal shelter? Do that!
- Friendships: Maintain your own squad. They provide different perspectives, support, and fun.
- Goals: What are you working toward in your career, your health, your personal development?
When you have a full, exciting life, you bring energy into the relationship. You have interesting things to talk about. You are a source of inspiration, not a drain. You are a magnet, not a leech.
Part 2: The Pillars: The 4 Non-Negotiables of an Elevating Partnership
Once you’re working on showing up as your best self, you can start building the framework of the relationship itself. These four pillars are the load-bearing walls. If one is weak, the whole structure is shaky.
Pillar 1: Radical, Uncomfortable, No-BS Honesty
I’m not just talking about not lying. I’m talking about the kind of honesty that feels vulnerable and a little scary.
This is about telling the truth about:
- Your feelings: “I felt really hurt when you made that joke in front of my friends.”
- Your fears: “I’m scared that if you take that job, we’ll never see each other.”
- Your desires: “I really want us to start saving for a house, it feels important to me.”
- Your mistakes: “I completely overreacted earlier, and I’m sorry. I was stressed about work and I took it out on you.”
Why it’s elevating: You cannot solve a problem you won’t admit exists. This level of honesty prevents resentment from building up. It creates a space where both people feel safe to be their authentic, messy, imperfect selves. And when you’re accepted for who you truly are, you are freed to grow.
How to practice it:
- Schedule “State of the Union” chats. Once a week, have a low-stakes, no-phones conversation. The rules: Use “I feel” statements, no blaming, and the goal is understanding, not winning.
- Give a warning for tough conversations. A simple, “Hey, I need to talk about something that’s been on my mind. Is now a good time?” is respectful and prevents your partner from getting blindsided.
Pillar 2: The Art of Being a True Teammate
An elevating relationship is not a competition. It’s you and your partner against the problem, not you against your partner.
The “We” Mindset: When something good happens to them, you feel like you’ve won. When something bad happens to you, they treat it as a shared challenge. You are co-authors of the same story, not writers of two separate ones that occasionally overlap.
How to build a teammate dynamic:
- Create shared goals. What do you want to build together? It could be saving for an epic vacation, running a 5k, starting a small side business, or building a garden in your backyard. Working toward a common purpose is a powerful bonding agent.
- Have each other’s backs in public. Even if you disagree in private, you present a united front to the world. This builds immense trust.
- Divide and conquer. Understand each other’s strengths and weaknesses. Maybe one of you is a wizard with finances and the other is a master of logistics and planning. Play to your strengths. The goal isn’t a perfect 50/50 split on every task; it’s a 100/100 effort toward a shared life.
Pillar 3: The Safety to Grow (and Sometimes, to Stumble)
For a relationship to be elevating, it must be a safe harbor for risk-taking. You need to know that your partner has your back, even if your big, crazy dream fails spectacularly.
What is Emotional Safety? It’s the confidence that you won’t be mocked, shamed, or punished for being vulnerable, for having a dream, or for making a mistake.
How to create this safety:
- Become your partner’s biggest cheerleader. When they share a wild idea, your first response should be, “Tell me more!” not, “But what about the risks?”
- Reframe failure. When one of you fails—a project flops, a promotion is missed—the response shouldn’t be “I told you so.” It should be, “Okay, what did we learn? And what’s the next move?” Treat failures as data points, not disasters.
- Protect the relationship from contempt. This is a big one. Contempt—eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling—is the cancer of relationships. It makes safety impossible. If you feel it creeping in, it’s a major red flag to address the underlying issue with honesty and kindness.
Pillar 4: The Space to Breathe and Be an Individual
This pillar is the counterbalance to the “Teammate” pillar. Too much “we” leads to suffocation. An elevating relationship needs breathing room.
The Goal: Interdependence, not codependence. Two whole trees growing strongly side-by-side, their roots intertwined for support, but their branches reaching for the sun in their own unique directions.
How to honor your individuality:
- Encourage “separate” adventures. If your partner has a chance to go on a trip with their friends, your response should be, “Heck yes, you should go! I can’t wait to hear all about it.”
- Have your own hobbies and passions. Remember the foundation we built? This is where it pays off. It’s healthy and attractive to have things you do separately.
- Don’t take it personally. If your partner needs a quiet night to themselves, it’s not a rejection of you. It’s them filling their own cup. A recharged, happy individual makes for a better partner.
Part 3: The Daily Grind: Practical Habits for Constant Elevation
The big pillars are essential, but the magic is in the small, daily habits. This is the mortar that holds the bricks together.
1. Communication That Goes Beyond “How Was Your Day?”
Move past the surface-level stuff. Try asking questions that invite connection:
- “What was the high and low of your day?”
- “Is there anything you’re worried about right now?”
- “What are you most excited about for this weekend?”
- “Did you have any interesting thoughts today?”
Practice Active Listening: When they talk, really listen. Don’t just wait for your turn to speak. Put your phone down. Make eye contact. Ask follow-up questions. The goal is to understand, not just to hear.
2. The Power of “Bid”s and “Turning Towards”
Relationship researcher John Gottman discovered that couples are constantly making small “bids” for connection. A bid is any attempt for attention, affection, or support.
- “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” (A bid for shared interest)
- “I had a tough meeting today.” (A bid for empathy)
- A sigh, or a touch on the arm. (A non-verbal bid)
The response is everything. You can either “turn towards” the bid (engage with it), “turn away” (ignore it), or “turn against” (respond negatively).
Elevating relationships are masters of “turning towards.”
- The Bid: “Look at that beautiful bird!”
- Turning Towards: (Stops what they’re doing, looks) “Wow, you’re right! Its colors are amazing. Thanks for pointing that out.”
This tiny, momentary connection builds a massive bank account of trust and positivity over time.
3. Curate Your Shared “Culture”
Your relationship has a culture, just like a company does. What is it filled with?
- Inside Jokes: These are the secret language of your partnership. Cherish them.
- Rituals: The Sunday morning pancake breakfast. The way you always watch a specific movie on the first snowy day of the year. The song you always dance to in the kitchen. These rituals create a sense of belonging and predictability.
- Shared Stories: The time you got lost on a road trip, the disastrous first dinner you cooked together, the story of how you met. Keep these stories alive. They are the folklore of your relationship.
4. Fight Smarter, Not Harder
Conflict is not the enemy. In fact, avoiding conflict is often more damaging. The enemy is destructive conflict.
The Rules of Engagement for an Elevating Fight:
- Soft Start-Up: Don’t begin with a criticism or blame. Start with how you feel. “I’ve been feeling a bit anxious about our finances lately,” is better than, “You’re so irresponsible with money!”
- Stay in the Present: Don’t bring up that thing they did three years ago. Deal with the issue at hand.
- Get Curious, Not Furious: If they’re upset, ask, “Help me understand why this is so important to you?” This shifts the dynamic from combat to collaboration.
- Repair, Repair, Repair: After a fight, a repair attempt is crucial. It can be a hug, a joke, an “I’m sorry,” or making them a cup of tea. It’s the signal that says, “We’re okay. We’re more important than this argument.”
Part 4: When the Going Gets Tough: Navigating Growth & Change
An elevating relationship isn’t one that has no problems. It’s one that knows how to navigate them and come out stronger.
What Happens When One Person Grows Faster?
This is a common fear. The key is to pull, not push.
- The growing partner: Share your excitement and learnings. Invite them in. “I’ve been learning so much in this course, can I show you this cool thing?” Don’t lecture them on why they should be growing too.
- The partner feeling left behind: Communicate your feelings without holding the other back. “I’m so proud of you, and sometimes I feel a little insecure about where I am. I’d love your support in finding my own next step.”
The goal is to see your partner’s growth as an inspiration, not a threat. Their light doesn’t dim yours; it can help you see your own path more clearly.
The “Seven-Year Itch” and Other Boredom Cycles
Comfort is good. Boredom is deadly. To keep a relationship elevating, you must intentionally inject novelty.
The Antidote to Boredom: Novelty & Adventure.
- Try new things together. Take a pottery class, go hiking in a new park, travel to a country you know nothing about.
- Learn together. Read the same book and discuss it. Take a language course together.
- Shake up your routines. Sometimes, even just trying a new restaurant or taking a different route on your walk can spark new conversations.
Shared novelty creates new shared memories and reminds you that you are still exciting, interesting people who have adventures together.
Your First Step Starts Today
Building an elevating relationship isn’t a destination you arrive at. It’s a continuous, conscious practice. It’s a choice you make every day to show up with honesty, to act like a teammate, to provide safety, and to honor both the “we” and the “me.”
You don’t need to implement all of this at once. That would be overwhelming.
Start with one thing.
Maybe today, you start with Pillar 1 and have an honest conversation about something small you’ve been avoiding.
Maybe you focus on the Daily Grind and make a conscious effort to “turn towards” your partner’s bids for connection.
Or maybe, you go right back to the Foundation and spend some time journaling about your own needs and values.
The most elevating relationship you will ever have is the one you build with yourself. From that solid ground, you can then partner with someone not out of need, but out of want. Not to complete you, but to complement you.
And together, you can build something truly remarkable—a partnership that doesn’t just stand the test of time, but one that soars above it.
