I will always remember the time we tried to build that IKEA dresser in 2018. It was a big disaster.
It was a Sunday afternoon. We thought putting the dresser together would be easy and take two hours. But it was not easy. It took six hours and made us very frustrated.
The instructions were impossible to understand. They were like pictures from an ancient language. And the little wooden pins we had to use? It felt like they were having babies. There were more and more of them!
At one point, I was holding a drawer up high over my head. I was trying to line it up with a part I couldn’t even see. At the same time, my partner, Christian, was on the floor. He was trying to hold the whole dresser because it was shaking so much.
We got very quiet. The air felt heavy and tense. Then, I pushed a little too hard. The drawer fell out of my hands. The whole dresser started to tip over. Alex tried bravely to stop it, but it was no use. He just got a small splinter from the unfinished wood.
We looked at each other. For a very short moment, we could have gotten really angry. We could have started yelling. I could have blamed him for not reading the instructions right. He could have blamed me for not holding it steady. We could have both blamed each other for buying the stupid dresser.
But we didn’t do that.
Instead, we started to laugh. We laughed so hard that we cried. We laughed so hard we could barely breathe. The whole situation was just so silly that it made all the stress go away.
We decided to stop. We ordered a pizza. We left the ugly, half-finished dresser in the middle of the room and watched a funny movie. We finished building the dresser the next day. We did it together, and we were much more patient this time.
That dresser still sits in our bedroom. It’s a little wobbly, and one drawer always sticks, but it’s one of my favorite things we own. It’s not a piece of furniture; it’s a monument to the fact that we can get through messy, frustrating, and unexpectedly difficult things without breaking us.
We often think great relationships are built on grand romantic gestures—surprise vacations, expensive jewelry, dramatic declarations of love. But the truth is, they’re built in the unglamorous, everyday moments. They’re built while assembling IKEA furniture, figuring out bills, dealing with stressful family visits, and navigating the simple, sometimes monotonous, rhythm of life.
After that day, and many others like it, I started to see a pattern. The relationships that thrive, the ones that feel like a safe harbor in a chaotic world, aren’t based on magic or luck. They’re built on a foundation of intentional, practiced habits. They stand on five core pillars.
Whether you’re in a new relationship and want to set a strong foundation, or you’ve been with someone for decades and want to reconnect, these five pillars are your blueprint.
Pillar 1: Unshakeable Trust: The Bedrock of Everything
If a relationship is a house, trust is the foundation. Without it, everything else crumbles at the first sign of trouble. But trust is more than just believing your partner won’t cheat on you. That’s fidelity, and while it’s crucial, it’s just one room in the mansion of trust.
Real, unshakeable trust is multi-layered.
It’s Emotional Trust: This is the confidence that you can be your authentic, vulnerable self without fear of judgment or ridicule. It’s sharing your weirdest insecurities, your silliest dreams, and your deepest fears, knowing your partner will hold them gently. It’s knowing that your vulnerability is safe with them.
It’s Logistical Trust: This is the belief that your partner will do what they say they’re going to do. They’ll pick up the milk on the way home, they’ll call when they say they will, they’ll remember to pay the electric bill. It sounds small, but when this trust is broken repeatedly, it creates a low hum of anxiety. You start to feel like you can’t rely on them, and that erodes the foundation.
It’s The Trust of Having Each Other’s Backs: This is knowing that in a room full of other people, or in a difficult situation, your partner is on your team. They’ll defend you, they’ll support your perspective, and they’ll stand beside you. You are a united front.
How to Build This Pillar:
- Do what you say you will. Be relentlessly reliable in the small things.
- Keep their secrets. Prove that their vulnerability is a sacred gift.
- Defend them in public, and discuss concerns in private. Never throw them under the bus.
- Be transparent. Hiding things, even with good intentions, creates cracks. When you make a mistake, fess up.
Without trust, you’re constantly second-guessing, playing detective, and living in a state of anxiety. With it, you have the peace of mind to truly relax into the relationship.
Pillar 2: Radical Communication: It’s More Than Just Talking
We all know communication is important. But so many of us think it just means talking. The real magic, the stuff that prevents IKEA-style meltdowns, is in the listening.
Radical communication is about striving to understand, not just to be heard. It’s about creating a space where both people feel like they can express their true feelings without it escalating into a world war.
This brings me back to the dresser. In that moment of frustration, we had a choice. We could communicate with blame: “You’re not holding it right!” Or we could communicate with teamwork: “This is really hard. I’m getting frustrated. Can we take a five-minute break?”
The goal of a conversation, especially a difficult one, should never be to win. The goal is to understand.
How to Build This Pillar:
- Practice “Reflective Listening”: This is simple but powerful. When your partner is sharing something, try to summarize what you heard before you launch into your response. “So, what I’m hearing is that you felt ignored when I was on my phone during dinner, and that made you feel unimportant.” This alone makes your partner feel truly heard.
- Use “I” Statements: This is classic advice for a reason. Instead of “You never help with the dishes!” try “I feel overwhelmed and unappreciated when I’m left with all the dishes after I cooked.” It frames the issue as your feeling and experience, not as an attack on their character.
- Talk About the Good Stuff, Too: Communication isn’t just for problems. It’s for sharing a funny story from your day, a random memory, a hope for the future. This is the mortar that fills the gaps between the bricks.
- Learn Your Partner’s “Love Language”: This concept from Dr. Gary Chapman is a game-changer. It suggests people give and receive love in different ways: Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time, and Physical Touch. You might be expressing love by doing the dishes (Acts of Service), but if your partner’s primary language is Words of Affirmation, they might not even notice the clean kitchen—they’re waiting for a verbal “I love you” or “I’m proud of you.” Speaking your partner’s love language is a powerful form of communication.
Pillar 3: Deep-Rooted Respect: The Glue That Holds You Together
You can love someone and, in a moment of anger, not like them very much. But you should always respect them.
Respect is the glue. It’s what keeps you from crossing the line during an argument. It’s the filter that stops you from using their biggest insecurities as ammunition. It’s the fundamental belief that your partner is a whole, valid human being with their own thoughts, feelings, and experiences that are just as important as your own.
Respect looks like:
- Valuing their opinions, even when you disagree.
- Honoring their boundaries. If they say they need an hour alone after work to decompress, you don’t take it personally; you give them that space.
- Speaking kindly about them to other people. This is huge. Trash-talking your partner to your friends or family is a deep violation of respect.
- Appreciating their differences. You don’t have to be clones. Maybe they’re super organized and you’re creatively messy. Instead of seeing this as a flaw, respect it as a complementary strength. They bring order to your chaos; you bring spontaneity to their structure.
When respect erodes, contempt seeps in. Contempt is poison for a relationship. It’s eye-rolling, sarcasm, name-calling, and mockery. It communicates disgust, and nothing kills love faster.
How to Build This Pillar:
- Fight Fair. No name-calling. No bringing up the past. Stick to the issue at hand.
- Admit when you’re wrong. A sincere apology is a profound act of respect.
- Be their biggest cheerleader. Support their goals and celebrate their successes as if they were your own.
- Never, ever mock their vulnerabilities.
Pillar 4: True Partnership: Operating as a Team
A relationship isn’t 50/50. On any given day, one of you might be at 20% and the other needs to be at 80%. Maybe they’re sick, or stressed about work, or grieving. A true partnership understands this ebb and flow. The goal isn’t to keep score; the goal is to win together.
This is the “we” versus “me” mentality. The problems are “our” problems. The dreams are “our” dreams. The IKEA dresser is “our” infuriating project.
A partnership means you are co-pilots, navigating life together. You’re not just two individuals who happen to be sharing a space; you are a single unit tackling the world.
How to Build This Pillar:
- Check in on the “State of the Union”: Once a week, maybe over Sunday coffee, have a low-pressure chat. “How are we doing? Is there anything you’re stressed about that I can help with? Is there anything I’ve been doing that’s been bothering you?” This prevents small issues from festering.
- Divide Labor Fairly: This isn’t just about chores (though that’s a big part of it!). It’s about mental labor, too—who remembers the birthdays, who schedules the doctor’s appointments, who notices when we’re running low on toilet paper? Find a system that feels fair to both of you, and be willing to re-negotiate as life changes.
- Make Decisions Together: Big decisions—finances, moving, career changes—are made as a team. You present a united front to the outside world.
- Protect Your Team: You prioritize the health of the relationship. This might mean saying “no” to other commitments to have a date night, or setting boundaries with family members who cause stress. The team comes first.
Pillar 5: Nurtured Intimacy: More Than Just Sex
When people hear “intimacy,” they often think of sex. But physical intimacy is just one type. True intimacy is about closeness, and that comes in many forms.
Think of intimacy as a garden. It requires consistent, gentle care. If you ignore it, weeds of resentment and distance will grow.
The Four Types of Intimacy to Nurture:
- Emotional Intimacy: This is the feeling of being deeply known and accepted. It’s built through the radical communication and trust we already talked about. It’s sharing your inner world.
- Physical Intimacy: Yes, this includes sex, but it’s so much more. It’s the casual touch as you pass in the hallway, holding hands on a walk, the goodnight kiss, the cozy cuddle on the couch. These small, non-sexual touches maintain a physical connection that tells your partner, “I am here, and I am close to you.”
- Intellectual Intimacy: This is the meeting of the minds. Do you have stimulating conversations? Do you share ideas, debate topics (respectfully!), and learn from each other? This keeps the relationship interesting and dynamic.
- Experiential Intimacy: This is the closeness built by sharing experiences. It’s trying a new recipe together, going on a hike, traveling to a new place, or even, you guessed it, struggling through building a dresser. These shared stories become the folklore of your relationship.
How to Build This Pillar:
- Schedule it. It sounds unromantic, but if you don’t schedule date nights or quality time, life will get in the way. Protect that time fiercely.
- Be curious about your partner. People change. Ask questions. “What’s a new goal you’ve been thinking about?” “What’s something you’re afraid of right now?”
- Prioritize non-sexual touch. A 20-second hug can release oxytocin (the bonding hormone) and dramatically reduce stress.
- Try new things together. Novelty triggers the same parts of the brain as early romance, keeping that “spark” alive.
Building Your Masterpiece, One Brick at a Time
No relationship is perfect. Every single one of these pillars will have cracks sometimes. You’ll have moments of miscommunication, you’ll feel disrespected, you’ll forget you’re a team.
The point isn’t perfection. The point is commitment to the process. It’s the willingness to notice when a pillar is wobbling and to pick up your tools and fix it, together.
That wobbly IKEA dresser in my bedroom is a daily reminder. Our relationship isn’t a flawless, pristine showroom. It’s a lived-in, loved-in home. It has scuff marks and sticky drawers, but it’s strong where it counts. It’s built on a foundation of trust, framed with communication, held together with respect, designed as a partnership, and filled with intimacy.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Your relationship can be the same. Start with one pillar. Talk about it. Nurture it. The work is always, always worth it.
